I am writing today from a bunker in an undisclosed location in an effort to dissuade you from digging any deeper into the Douche LaRouche Motorcycle Club (DLMC) organization.

After several months of intelligence gathering and many exhaustive hours of research, I began compiling a manuscript detailing my own personal journey of discovery and the ramifications thereof. I cannot reveal too much at this time, as the less you readers know, the safer you are. However, what I can tell you for sure is that there is a definite connection between this group of lovable moto-jesters and a source of evil so overwhelmingly frightening that I almost cannot bring myself to type these words.

Think inter-dimensional scary-ass monster demons from mythological times. Although I personally have not been able to concretely establish what the connection is, several independent researchers (all who have mysteriously passed away) speculated off the record that a lineage could very well exist between current DLMC members and a group of ancient warriors responsible for keeping peace and order between our world and the realm of the shadow dwellers. These ancient warriors have gathered together throughout the ages under many different names, and traces of their influence can be found in all corners of the globe and throughout all of recorded time. Although they frequently gathered in groups and appeared outwardly to be social, they were quite secretive when it came to the inner workings of their small, venerable societies, a trait consistent with today’s members. Many scholars and scribes alike have perished attempting to reveal the Order of LaRouche. It is said that there are hundreds of hidden documents in countless languages that establish a direct link between every imaginable manifestation of the LaRouche Dynasty leading right up to today’s rag-tag group of so-called motorcycle enthusiasts, the DLMC. And these documents carry with them the direst of prophesies.

Tales of epic battles between “Men of the Sacred Carrot” and bloodthirsty soul-sucking shadow demons have been found littered throughout antiquity. From hieroglyphs on Egyptian tombs to cryptic texts appearing in the books of elite secret societies. More subtle references to this Order of LaRouche can be also found with very little digging. Clearly, the connections are everywhere. I believe these men are called together by unknown and perhaps even magical forces to do battle under the name of DLMC just as danger is about to be unleashed on an unsuspecting populace.

Now, after several hundred years of relative peace, the LaRouche banner is once again flying amidst another small and somewhat secretive group, the DLMC. Could this be a sign that an inter-dimensional battle between good and evil for the sake of all mankind is about to begin? After making several somewhat “reasonable” assumptions, I believe so.